Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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