Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We got so high we made milksteak
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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