i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
