There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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