I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize