Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Operation Purity has been aborted
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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