I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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