I have demons in me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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