saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
