I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
