We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
