There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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