I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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