hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
