my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
