i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
