ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
