new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
operation have a gay friend backfired
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize