There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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