There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
