I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
