Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
