ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
