so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
