well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
