Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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