nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
