If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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