I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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