i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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