So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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