Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
