i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
