Capitaan dildo arrescate!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
