Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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