relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
