my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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