I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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