Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
