Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We don't watch enough power rangers
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
