Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm just crazy horny about you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
