mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
