Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
