Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
