Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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