she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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