Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
