Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize