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• (512): View more from Texas

  Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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• (516): View more from New York

  she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.

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• (575): View more from New Mexico

  She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I don't even know what to say right now

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• (208): View more from Idaho

  Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.

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• (760): View more from California

  Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud

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• (502): View more from Kentucky

  They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out

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