My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
