if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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