You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
