But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
