I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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