bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
why do cheetos always look like penises
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize