one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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