That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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