Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
