So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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