I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we're making bets on your personal life
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
